Accidents: what to say, what to do, and what not to worry about
Accidents aren’t failure. They’re how children learn. How you react is the part you control.
Every child who learns to use the toilet has accidents along the way, usually a lot of them. ERIC puts it plainly: lots of accidents at the beginning are normal, and they’re an important part of the learning process. Your child can’t control how often they happen yet, but you can control how you react.
What to say
Keep it short, calm and matter-of-fact. The NHS’s advice is to try not to get angry or upset, stay calm, clean up together and move on. You might say:
“Oops, wee goes in the potty. Let’s get some dry pants.”
That’s it: no lecture and no disappointed sigh. If your child is upset, reassure them that accidents happen to everyone who’s learning.
What to do
- Involve them in the clean-up, in a way that suits their age. ERIC suggests cleaning up together and reminding them to use the potty next time. Keep it gentle, so it never feels like a punishment. Carrying wet pants to the washing basket or fetching fresh ones is plenty.
- Finish on the potty if there’s any wee left. It helps connect the feeling with the place.
- Carry spares. The NHS recommends taking plenty of changes of clothes when you go out.
- Look for patterns, not blame. Do accidents happen when your child is absorbed in play? Late in the morning? After a long gap? Patterns tell you where to add a routine try.
What not to do
- Don’t punish or shame. ERIC and the NHS are both clear on this, and fear tends to lead to hiding and holding on, which makes things worse.
- Don’t take things away after an accident, and don’t use nappies as a punishment.
- Don’t count down to failure. “That’s three today!” lands as criticism, however lightly it’s meant.
When accidents are telling you something
Sometimes accidents have a physical cause. Constipation is a common one. The NHS notes that soiled pants can be a sign of constipation in children over one, and lists constipation among the things that can contribute to wetting. Other things worth noticing are a child who suddenly wees much more often, says it hurts, or starts having accidents after weeks of being dry.
In the US
The AAP lists constipation, painful bowel movements and urinary tract infections among the physical causes of new or returning accidents, and recommends seeing your pediatrician to rule them out.
When to get help
See your GP (or paediatrician) if you notice pain, blood in their wee or poo, hard or infrequent poos, or soiling, or if accidents return suddenly after a long dry spell.
Sources
- ERIC, The Children’s Bowel & Bladder Charity: Potty training
- NHS Start for Life: Potty training your child
- NHS: Constipation in babies and children
- American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): Toilet training regression
This post is general information based on the published guidance above, not medical advice. Every child is different. If you’re worried about your child, speak to your GP, health visitor or paediatrician.